classy

nick nolte shuffled into our mix last night. wearing a white fedora hat and full black suit. his hair dyed black. he walked with a cane. his chosen arm candy propped neatly at his side.

but he looked almost feeble. and bloated. and like he needed a nap. or rehab.

he leaned on the bar. ordered a couple of overpriced drinks. and left a 50 cent tip.

his overly excited lady friend was overheard asking: "why don't you date actresses?"
nick responded casually, with confidence: "because there's too much acting involved."

whatever that means.

ambitious

i sat on the train tonight. and, through the earbuds of my ipod, i heard the muffled beginnings of a panhandler making his way through the subway car. this is such a typical occurrence that i, and everyone else, tend to do what city dwellers do best: act as if whatever is happening isn't happening at all.

however, when the man began his spiel, he got everyone's attention.

he began: "excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. i have fallen on troubled times. anyone who can donate 100 dollars. i could really use it." as the subway passengers reluctantly acknowledged his ambitious request with their stifled chuckles, the man respectfully nodded and continued: "ok, i'll take a 50 instead."

i'm staying

i had a one night stand. with providence. i was tempted by this other place that seemed, i wondered, . . . easier? until i was suddenly presented with the choice. the real choice. do i heart ny? or would i take a chance on that one night? would somewhere else answer all of the questions i have, give me the freedoms i want, and yet the security i need?

and there was my answer.

neither practicality nor opinions had a thing to do with it.

just me.

my entire body told me in a thousand different ways that it may not be "easy" or "secure" in conventional ways. and i can fight with this city like everyone else living in it. but there is no other choice for me. not now.

this is home.

i can tap dance

sometimes my feet will take on a memory of their own. and mindlessly recall a tap dance that i learned years ago. and they'll discreetly shuffle and flap and tap. with modest movement. the rest of my body seeming practically detached from the tapping feet. while browsing in a shop, passing the downtime at work, standing at a crosswalk, waiting on the subway platform. it doesn't matter where i am. there may be an unnoticed brief soft rhythmic sequence. it's engrained in me. somewhere. and my feet will remember. even if i don't. and i kinda like that.

kids today

i couldn't help overhearing a debate between a handful of 15 and 16 year olds yesterday. . .

an argument broke out over the necessity of a veil at a wedding. with one boy claiming, "you can't have a wedding without a VEIL!" and a girl adamantly disagreed. (already i was confused about why they would care to discuss or argue about this. but flirting is weird when you're in high school.)

without being able to resolve it themselves, they turned to their peers and began polling them: "can you have a wedding without a veil?"

without missing a beat, one classmate responded with his logic... "sure. what if you got married in vegas? at 2am?"

case closed.

life in a northern town

i was only gone for about 24 hours.

but here is some of what i concluded along the way:

i've learned to travel alone. i've been doing it for a while. and done most of it since i've moved to new york. it's almost an art. maneuvering things with one hand. or no hands. realizing i do actually have a sense of direction. all amounting to a unique ability to problem solve. i get creative.

i don't know that i want to be so good at being alone.

when in doubt, i usually learn my way around a new place by realizing, "hey! i've been lost here before!"

i can change clothes anywhere. i'm like superman. wait. wonderwoman? i'm almost certifiable as a germophobe. and yet i have managed to change clothes in gas stations. while driving a car. backstage. and the bathroom of a moving train. all with incredible discretion and avoiding barefooting the floors.

i feel oddly safer walking alone in new york than most other places. the thing most people complain about - there's too many people - is the subtle shield from most anything that could threaten you on the streets. wandering the streets in most other places, it's you and you alone. and it's quiet.

and dunkin donuts fuckin owns providence, rhode island.

this and that

“What is love? Respect, trust, admiration. I felt all those things. So cut to the present tense and I feel like . . . if someone were to touch me I’d dissolve into molecules.”

that's exactly it. and i'm confused.

the best friend. the lover. but both? does that even exist? or is it a myth?

i'm beginning to wonder. ok. truth be told . . . i've wondered for a while.

you meet someone who is completely fascinating. they have similar interests. AND complimentary ones. they teach you things. they challenge you. they adore you. and you them. you find that you can talk about anything. you can open up to them. be honest. discuss even your deepest past. and something's . . .

. . . missing.

and one brush of unfamiliar lips changes everything. because they suddenly seem anything BUT unfamiliar. like these are the lips you should have been kissing your entire life. two people falling entirely into the motion. completely in sync. and you are instantly elated . . . and devastated. because you realize. it's different with this person. and you will not be able to settle for anything less. you will always want this. AND that.

and it all just seems incredibly unfair.

drip

does anyone know how to eat an ice cream cone? i need tips.

i rarely eat them. but today was inpired by the film "little manhattan" to grab a yummy haagen dazs rocky road waffle cone. only to remind myself that i have no idea how to work the things. instead of the quaint image of wandering the streets lapping the chocolate-marshmallow-nutty treat, i found a different reality.

my hair blew into the cone, becoming sticky with chocolate ice cream. the ice cream quickly dripped down the sides of the waffle cone drenching my fingers. the cone became soggy. my lips and cheeks painted brown with smeared chocolate.

that spare napkin definitely came in handy.